Male Survivors
of Intimate Partner Violence:
stories to be told

 

Abstract

Research on domestic violence has being ongoing for over three decades with much of this research focuses of two types studies: population-based studies largely defined as mutual couple violence, and studies conducted in battered women’s shelters which mostly put the emphasis on patriarchy. This research has produced a common theme that women are victims of domestic abuse and men are the perpetrators.
The current paradigm used in domestic abuse is largely based on the theories put forth by gender feminists. Stressing the idea that patriarchy is the root cause of domestic violence. This research will show that women can, and do perpetrate abuse on their husbands. Using a qualitative narrative approach enables the voices of six men who have victims of spousal abuse to tell their story. The men in this research espoused on a number of themes that are common in stories told by female victims of domestic violence. There was also a theme of male bias among the helping professions in the area of domestic violence. The majority of the men in the study reported suffering some form of depression, and two have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.



 

Dedication

To my children
Deirdre, Ben, Mike, James, Megan, Liam, and Niall
for giving up time with their Da.

To Janet and Doug for creating a wonderful daughter, Mary.

And to my wife Mary, who is the epitome of the term soul mate, in spite of what you say without your help in oh so many ways this past year would not have been possible.



Acknowledgements

When one undertakes returning to school at a mature age it requires the help of a great deal of people. The past year has been a wonderful experience for me, and the writing of this paper a catharsis. None of which would have been possible without the help of many.
It is important that those people be acknowledged what follows is an attempt to do so.

To the men whose stories lie within thank you for your courage and willingness to share.

To Mary Cleary and Jan Brown for all the information and for spreading the news

To Stef and Theresa for letting me push buttons

To Grant for good! Interesting! And looking forward to reading it!

To Jeff for saying I should and Suzanne for the warning

To Doug and Steffaine for listening and hearing!

To me Ma for understanding

 

THANK YOU



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“We cannot solve the problems we have created with the same thinking that created them”

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
 Introduction
When I first contemplated which of several subjects to choose for this practice research paper, male victims of domestic violence was not among them. I had been considering “safer” subjects in the area of my interest such as “the impact of fathering groups on positive outcomes for their children.” Two events occurred to change this thought process: the first of which was contact with my ex-wife, in which she once again tried to exert some form of control over me. We have been apart for almost 16 years and yet this woman was still trying to control my life. Secondly, during the time I was reflecting on the abuse I suffered while married to her, the subject of how to choose a topic was explored in class. I learned that the key to writing a good practice research paper was to choose a topic that you are really passionate about. Hence, I chose research male victims of intimate partner violence. My only concern was that I might be too passionate. There where many potential drawbacks to this decision, where would I find subjects? Could I remain detached as a researcher? Should I be one of my own subjects? And how will the School of Social Work react to research about a problem that many in the current field do not believe exists?
The many professors I had in this past year's program permitted me the opportunity to submit papers containing variations on this theme that allowed me to explore the feasibility of this research. It was their feedback, and the feedback from my practice research adviser Grant Macdonald that shaped the research you're about to read.
My research question is how intimate partner violence impacts on male survivors of abuse at the hand of their female partner. This research was accomplished by conducting a comprehensive literature review, the analysis of the data collected from six participants who had been abused by their wives, and an exploration of the information received from the few service providers that serve abused men.
In chapter 1 of this research you will find a brief introduction to the current paradigm of domestic violence. Chapter 2 contains the extensive literature review that explores various areas such as feminism and its impact on the current paradigm around domestic violence. Changing theoretical approaches will be examined, and terminology used in this area will be explored. Other themes include women as abusers, egalitarian violence, a look at the measurement tools used in various researches, a look at the services available for abused men, and some ideas for new directions in research. Chapter 3 explains the methodology used to conduct this research. Chapter 4 contains the findings and analysis of the research, highlighting many of the themes that arose in the data. And chapter 5 contains the conclusions of the research and some implications for social work education and practice. One of the main goals of this research was to provide a forum for men who have been abused by their wives to tell their story. To facilitate this aim the research was conducted from a qualitative narrative standpoint; I have tried whenever possible to allow the participants in this research the opportunity to tell their stories in their own words.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 1
The Current Paradigm
Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, occurs in many forms: husbands who batter their wives, men who batter their partners (female or male), females who battered their partners (male or female), and wives who batter their husbands. Domestic violence or more specifically abuse against woman became identified as an important social issue at the beginning of the 1970s (Johnson, 1996; Duffy and Momirov, 1997).
Over the past few decades, many feminist writers have examined the topic of domestic violence. This body of work has created a social construction of domestic abuse as one that defines it as an issue of the male abuser using violence as an instrument to maintain power and control in the relationship. Another social construction that arose from this research is the idea that women are “battered.” This stems from the work of Lenore Walker (1979) and is a concept that has since been incorporated into our medical and legal systems as the “battered woman syndrome.” The battered woman syndrome is a term used to describe the responses of women who have experienced male perpetrated violence: these responses are both psychological “learned helplessness,” and instrumental in that the woman will minimize the abuse in order to cope better within the relationship. This social construction was accomplished by focusing on the power and control differential between men and women with the main argument being that domestic violence perpetrated by males on females is a form of control.
Woman abuse occurs because of the pervasive intent and desire of a male to assume power over and control over his partner. This continual control places the woman in a position where she is terrified, uncertain, the choices about her life and ultimately unable to escape the situation, due to physical and/or sexual danger and emotional trauma. This reality is played out continually in the cycle which repeats itself over and over. (The Violence Prevention Council: Durham Region,1995. Pg. 1-1)
My research examines intimate partner violence as perpetrated by female partners upon male victims. Much of the literature comes from the feminist perspective and dismisses male survivors or minimizes the impact of their experience around domestic violence. This is understandable given the paradigm of the battered woman and all the gains made in society’s structures to provide services and protection for these female victims. If it was to be acknowledged that women “batter” men, then the archetype put forth for many years in order to secure these services could begin to erode.
Since the study by Straus et al. (1980) suggested that women are the equally as violent as men domestic situations there has been a major backlash from feminist authors. Debates arose around the Conflict Tactic Scales (see Appendix A) used in the study by Straus et al. (1980) suggesting that it was a flawed instrument for measuring violence. The argument was that the CTS rated “a slap in the face” the same as “an assault with a weapon” and did not measure the differential in the level of violence committed.
Given the discussion around the measurement tools used in various studies, it would be prudent to begin with a definition of the abuse which I am researching. For the purpose of this research paper it will be defined as: any form of abuse directed by a woman against her male partner in attempt to control and intimidate him in any way.
Since the early seventies, the effect of the discourses on wife assault (primarily from the feminist perspective) has resulted in 463 shelters (Government of Canada, 2004) for women in Canada. The number of treatment programs for men who batter has also grown to 206 (Government of Canada, 2004). Significant gains have been made in the last 30 years to promote the knowledge and services that provide protection for women who are battered and their children. In these days of fiscal restraint, it has become increasingly important that women’s interest groups keep their issues in the forefront. Certain men's rights groups have seized upon some of these egalitarian domestic violence studies and are challenging the disproportionate allocation of funding which primarily services female victims before male.
While some of these services suggest that they do cater to men, this has not been the lived experience of many men who have been abused by their female partners. These groups are also seeking changes to the domestic violence/wife assault protocols that have been established in various regions in the country to guide service providers in dealing with this social issue.
However, Straus (1993) has already gone on record as saying his research is been used erroneously to promote the idea that women are equally as violent as men (Kimmel, 2002). In researching this subject for my practice research paper, it became clear that there is a significant difference between women who have been abused and men who have been abused (Kimmel 2002, Erwin et. al, 2005, Coker et. al 2002, O’Leary et. al 1994, O’Leary et. al 1989, Straus, 1993).
A number of common themes were evident in the research. One such theme is that there are a significant number of male survivors of intimate partner violence, and in many cases the author clearly emphasizes the differential in the level of violence. The various studies conducted that suggest that the “rates of domestic violence are equivalent” (Kimmel, 2002) have provoked various rebuttals from the feminist viewpoint, charging the studies have used faulty methodologies and/or measurement tools.
In debates surrounding intimate partner violence, a large amount of written dialogue on the subject is from the woman’s perspective. There seems to be a pervasive viewpoint that it is always the woman who is victimized and if the woman is the perpetrator of the violent act, then she must have just been defending herself. However, one of the common themes for both sides of this argument is that there are indeed male survivors who have been assaulted by their wives.
Another issue arising from this debate is that there seems to be little or no services available for men who have been abused: they simply fall through the cracks, muted, alone and forgotten.
This paper will allow some of those men who have experienced violence at the hands of their wives to tell their story in their own words. It is not the purpose of this paper to enter the current debate around the egalitarian ideas of intimate partner violence. I only hope to give a voice to those on the margins of this debate who are not being heard.
This research will look at how intimate partner violence impacts on male survivors of abuse at the hand of their female partner. It will also explore the social services and resources available to male survivors of intimate partner violence – or the serious lack thereof.
Feminism as a movement is primarily responsible for the way we view domestic violence today; however, it is not without its critics and thus it would be prudent to explore some of the criticisms. The literature review contained in the next chapter of this paper explores some of the history of feminism and how it impacts on the current paradigm of domestic violence. The review continues by exploring the current debates surrounding the egalitarian ideas of domestic violence. The review ends with a look at the current services are available for men who have been victimized.

 Chapter Two
Literature Review
Feminism and Domestic Violence
Feminism and its principal paradigms - at least as defined in the North American experience - does not seem to pertain to the lived experiences of various groups outside the white middle-class mainstream (Hooks, 1993; Agnew, 1996; Ng, 1996; Wendell, 1993; George, 1992; Heise, 1993; Coomaraswamy, 1995; Levan, 1996). This is not a new issue as a brief look at the history of the North American feminist movement will show.
Feminism in North America essentially began with the publication of Betty Friedan's book, The Feminine Mystique, which was published in 1963. Friedan, along with Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug presided over the North American women's movement by founding organizations such as the National Association for the Repeal of Abortion Laws, the National Organization for Women, and the Women's Political Caucus (Fox, 2006).
Past criticisms of the feminist movement suggest that it caters to the experience of white middle class American woman. Authors such as Hooks (1993), Agnew (1996), Ng (1996), Wendell (1993), and George (1992) have highlighted various areas of women's experience that is not easily answered by the theories of the mainstream feminist movement. Hooks discusses the experience of the black woman in America and notes that even though the Virginia Slims American Woman's Opinion Poll conducted in 1972 indicated “that more black woman supported changes in the status of women in society than white women” (Hooks, 1993. pg. 501), very few black women actually joined the movement.
Hooks (1993) goes on to discuss the various reasons that black women experienced difficulty with the mainstream feminist movement. One reason suggested was the black civil rights movement during the nineteen-sixties. The movement was largely responsible for encouraging black women to take a more subservient role in their family structures in order to support the black men of America as they struggled against racism. A number of black women in these times felt that the black man, long emasculated in American society, needed their support to fight the battle against racism, and that sexism was an issue that could wait. Black women who joined the struggle against sexism found that “white women in the movement had little knowledge of or concern for the problems of lower class and poor women or the particular problems of nonwhite women from all classes” (Hooks, 1993. pg. 501/2).
Other writers who have expressed this viewpoint including Heise (1993), Coomaraswamy (1995), and Levan (1996). These authors highlight the difficulties faced by women in different cultures that possess different social norms and far more narrowly defined roles for women. The women from these different cultures experienced difficulty in seeing their needs espoused by the mainstream movement.
Agnew (1996) looks at the difficultly that women from Asia, Africa, and the Caribbean had fitting in with the women's movement in Canada. The article explored the formation of the National Action Committee (NAC), an umbrella organization formed to help implement the recommendations of the Royal Commission on the Status of Women. Agnew explored the various difficulties in bringing together women from many different cultures and economic backgrounds. Echoing many other authors Heise (1993), Hooks (1993), Coomaraswamy (1995), and Levan (1996), Agnew was eloquently tactful in saying “the white feminist’s assumption of the leadership in forming policy and implementing projects for ‘their’ movement is interpreted by women from Asia, Africa, and the Caribbean as racist. This situation makes the alliances across the lines to class and race difficult” (Agnew, 1996. pg. 87).
George (1992), Heise (1993), and Coomaraswamy (1995) voice the experiences of South Asian women in Canada. South Asian women sharing their stories may be impeded by cultural factors such as a compelling value being placed on preserving one’s honour or dignity, the inherent tradition suggesting male superiority, and a possible language barrier. These women are also experiencing difficulty in accessing services to help them cope with their exposure to “new” ways of living that conflict with their traditional ways of “knowing.”
Wendell (1993) and Israel and Odette (1993) bring experiences with the feminist movement and within the feminist movement to the forefront from a disabled perspective. All of these authors express difficultly seeing themselves and their issues within the construct of mainstream feminism. The issue of inclusiveness is further highlighted when we explore the area of domestic violence
An article by Levan (1996) looks at the continuing struggle of the feminist movement to be inclusive of others. The article explores the process in Canada about how the various groups of women from different backgrounds struggled to get broad representation on the Canadian Panel on Violence against Women.
Representation within the woman's movement itself; in particular, the extent to which certain voices were privileged by the state and others were marginalized. These issues will make more complex by differences in race, sexual orientation, and abilities among women. The organization of many of these constituency groups during the 1980’s had forced older women's organizations to acknowledge issues of privilege and representation and most were painfully struggling to address them. (Levan, 1996. pg. 331)

Levan’s paper explores the various barriers that women's groups other than the white mainstream faced in getting their needs addressed by the panel. Levan identified the various physical and systemic barriers that get in the way of allowing many marginalized women to express their needs both within the women’s movement and within the societal systems that are intended to provide them assistance. The end result of this polarization of needs was a report “that would reflect only the interests of White, middle-class women” (Levan, 1996. pg. 347). It is this white middle class view that formulated our current idea of domestic violence and its causes. Perhaps if the feminist movement had been more inclusive of different cultures and perspectives, there would not be a number of victims of domestic violence finding it difficult to have their needs met within the current system. The feminist movement tends to view society as a patriarchal system designed to allow men to have power and control of every aspect of their lives. The movement, to a certain degree, has limited the ability of the feminist ideology to cater to the needs of some of the most marginalized members in our society.
Expanding Theoretical Approaches
Michele Bograd is a family therapist, who at one time, approached her work from the idea that domestic violence resulted from the gender imbalance between males and females in society. She believed that “gender-sensitive models of domestic violence were universal, relevant to all families and, thus, race-, class-, and sexual- orientation- neutral" (Bograd, 1999. pg. 276). She understood that the incorporation of these factors into the domestic abuse paradigm was a way to enhance the theory. It did not provide justification for a requirement of "substantial modification" to the basic concept of the gender based theory of domestic violence (Bograd, 1999. pg. 276).
Bograd put forward the idea of “intersectionality developed by Crenshaw” (Bograd, 1999. pg. 276). Intersectionality demands that we examine and explore domestic violence from the idea that different systems of power and oppression impact on how it is played out. Bogard identifies the influence of race, class, gender and sexual orientation as systems of power which end up creating prejudice. This prejudice results in class stratification, gender inequality, and a heterosexist bias system of oppression (Bograd, 1999). This concept is one discussed by many other authors who are finding that the basic domestic violence paradigm does not fit within the experience of the populations they are studying (Brownridge, 2003; Balsam and Szymanski, 2005; DeKeseredy and Macleod, 1997; Dutton, 1988; George, 1999; Lucashenko, 1996; Mihalic and Elliot, 1997; Mosher, 1998; Nash, 2005; Shirwadkar, 2004).
DeKeseredy and Macleod (1997) explore the social contexts of domestic abuse. They critically examine various theories, highlighting the aspect that gender and power as espoused in the mainstream are just two facets of domestic abuse. Mihalic and Elliot (1997) conducted a study of marital violence using a model based on Social Learning theory. They found that Social Learning theory was a better predictor of female perpetrated violence than male perpetrated violence. Dutton (1988) put forth the idea of the “nested ecological theory” that explored the impact of the various systems in society in shaping an explanation for the use of violence. Dutton's idea examined the effects up the macrosystem (culture), exosystem (subculture), microsystem (family), and ontogeny (individual) as influences on the use of violence within the relationship; somewhat similar to the idea of intersectionality.
Nash (2005) explores the experiences of African-American women with intimate partner violence. She espouses the idea that a theory that deals with intimate partner violence in the African-American community would first have to deal with the emasculation of the Black male in American society. Similarly to a previously noted article (Hooks, 1993) Nash also puts forth the idea that the black male in American society has long been less valued by whites than were black females. Michelle Bograd has noted that even Black females in same-sex relationships face difficulties in seeking help within the current shelter system because of the additional stressors put in place by racism and homophobia (Bograd, 1999).
Mosher also supports the idea that there is no one explanation for domestic violence: “no single, definitive, meta-theory of violence against women exists and that the quest for such a theory is itself shaped by assumptions that are, at their core, racist, imperialist, etc.” (Mosher, 1998. pg. 140). In her article, the concepts of colonization and slavery are discussed as intersections that play a part in explaining domestic abuse. Mosher notes that there was a “relationship of equality of men and women in many Aboriginal societies prior to European contact” (Mosher, 1998. pg. 149).
The white feminist paradigm would suggest that the “power and control” structured by society is a differential in stature favouring men. Further, it has been suggested that this differential builds a stage for domestic violence to manifest. When the violence relationship is a relationship between people of the same gender, attempts to apply this theory to intimate partner violence fail (Balasm and Szymanski 2005, Bograd 1999). Similarly, these efforts fail when it is the woman in the relationship abusing their male partner. Before we explore this concept which is the central tenet of this paper, let us first take a look at some of the terminology used to describe domestic violence.
Terminology: Domestic Violence vs. Woman Abuse
The term woman abuse is in itself a contentious issue, with more researchers these days discussing and using the terms intimate partner violence or spousal abuse (Coker et al 2002, Erwin et al 2005, Duffy and Momirov, 1997, Derseredy and Schwartz 2003, O’Leary et.al. 1989, O’Leary et.al.1994 and Straus 1997).
Duffy and Momirov (1997) suggest that the most common pattern in domestic violence cases is the one of the male abuser victimizing a female. The authors cite research that shows that male initiated violence is more repetitive and causes more physical harm and more lasting damage to female victims. It is their opinion that male initiated violence is much more serious and more entrenched within the social makeup of society and therefore it demands more attention than violence initiated by women.
Although men sometimes are the primary victims of intimate violence and women sometimes are the primary assailants, research indicates that the typical pattern is one of male violence against female intimates. As a result, we use the term "women abuse" in this book (Duffy and Momirov, 1997. pg. 27).

Knott (2003) in her article used the title Intentional Injury: Family Violence. In this paper, Knott highlights various forms of abuse that can occur within the family, the terms used in the article are: spousal violence, elder abuse, and child maltreatment. In addressing spousal abuse, the article reports that "women comprise majority of all victims (and 85% of 34,000 reports to police) and men account for 15%” (Knott, 2003. pg.1). In one of the more sobering statistics cited by Knott "children and youth were more likely to be killed by fathers (52%, 6% stepfathers) than mothers (42%, 1% stepmothers). However, children under three years of age were most likely to be killed by mothers” (Knott, 2003. pg.5&6).
O’Leary et.al. (1989 and 1994) use the term “spousal physical aggression” in their articles: a subject which they explore using a longitudinal analysis to study different rates of aggression between spouses in the early marriage years. Their findings show that women are more aggressive than men (O’Leary et.al,1989) and that the reasons cited for aggression differ among the sexes (O’Leary et.al,1994).
Balsam and Szymanski (2005), use the label of domestic violence in their study of women who perpetrate violence in same-sex relationships. Other authors use the term partner violence to describe the physical aggression between same-sex couples (Halpern et. al, 2004). Both of the above articles discuss women perpetrators of domestic violence.
Coker et al. (2002) performed a statistical analysis of the data gathered by the National Violence Against Women survey showing that not only do female perpetrators of domestic violence exist, but 7.1% of the women involved in domestic violence stated that they first threatened or used force. Erwin et. al (2005) in a case-control study of an urban police force found that some female police officers perpetrated intimate partner violence on their boyfriends and husbands.
It seems clear that despite the "typical pattern” cited by Duffy and Momirov (1997), there are many different victims of domestic violence - enough to question the use of the term woman abuse. We have to, as a society, acknowledge the idea that it is not always the woman who is the victim of abuse: sometimes it is an older adult, male and female seniors abused by their adult children and/or their spouses. 38% of elderly women and 21% of elderly men are the victims of their spouses (Knott, 2003. pg. 9). Children are also victims of violence in the home, and we must also be aware that oftentimes the child is the victim of a female perpetrator. And there is a growing body of work where it is being recognized that sometimes the victim is a man (Derseredy and Schwartz, 2003; Duffy and Momirov, 1997; Erwin et. al, 2005; O’Leary et. al, 1989; O’Leary et.al,1994; Straus, 1993). Knott (2003) put forth the concept of family violence and subcategorized using the terms: Spousal Violence, Child Maltreatment, and Elder Abuse. It would seem to be a much more inclusive way to view Domestic Violence than the narrow range provided by term “woman abuse.”
Women as Abusers
There is a growing body of work focusing on the concept that women have to be held accountable as the perpetrators of domestic violence (Hamberger, 1997; Stets and Straus, 1990; Molidor and Tolman, 1998). Tjaden and Thoennes (2000) have reported that women not only are capable of domestic violence, but women have been reported as being the instigators.
Hamberger (1997) conducted a small-scale study, in which 52 women who were arrested for domestic violence were asked about initiation of the overall pattern of violence in the relationship. The results of this study indicated that 51% said the man started the pattern, 27% said the woman started it, and the other 22% said it was mutual (Hamberger, 1997). There is a notion out there that women only resort to violence in defense, with the idea that they must be protecting themselves from the abuse of male partner. Along with the afore-mentioned study, there have been a number of other studies that show that women report higher rates of violence initiation (Billingham and Sack, 1986; Bland and Orne, 1986; Fiebert and Gonzalez, 1997; Foshee, 1996; George, 1999; Morse, 1995; Stets and Straus, 1990; Straus 1980). The majority of the studies cited above used the Conflict Tactic Scales developed by Murray Strauss as the instrument of measurement: the instrument that is proving to be contentious in the literature.
So if the woman starts the fights more often, does this mean that she is as violent as the man or even more so? Since the study by Straus et al. (1980) suggested that women are the equally as violent as men domestic situations, many other studies have been conducted which support this idea (Bookwala, Smith, and Ryan, 1992; Burke, Stets, and Pirog-Good, 1988;  Cascardi, Langhinrichsen, and Vivian, 1992; Ernst, Nick, Weiss, Houry, and Mills, 1997;   Flynn, 1990; Stets and Straus, 1990).  The studies conducted by the afore-cited concluded that the overall rates of violence (in one form or another) initiated by men and women are statistically equal.
The National Violence Against Women Survey which was conducted by Tjaden and Thoennes in 2000 used an extensive data base and a significant number of subjects were reported. This survey revealed that 45% of the women and 20% of the men who reported being assaulted by their spouse “feared bodily injury or death” (Tjaden and Thoennes, 2000).
That men are experiencing domestic violence at the hand of their partners is a given. Fiebert (1998) authored an annotated biography of articles that lists 123 scholarly investigations that support this fact. 
Morse (1995) examined data from the National Youth Survey, a longitudinal study beginning in 1976 with 1,725 males and females from their early teens to their late teens. This study extended for 15 years and each survey year, the prevalence rates of any violence and severe violence were significantly higher for female to male than it was for male to female (Morse, 1995). It is interesting to note that the rates of violence decreased with each year from 1983 to 1992 as the participants got older. In the final year of the study (1992), the rates were: 20% male to female with 5% of that being noted as “severe” and 27% female to male with a “severe” rate of 13%, a decrease from 36% and 48% respectively.
Other studies have shown a higher rate of “severe” violence being perpetrated by women (Brinkerhoff and Lupri, 1988; George, 1999; Hampton, Gelles, and Harrop, 1989; Kalmuss, 1984).  The authors compared the rates of “severe violence” of wife to husband with those rates of “severe violence” of husband to wife and found that the rate of violence at this level was twice as high wife to husband. Despite the results of studies such as these, the issue remains contentious largely due to the consistent use of the Conflict Tactics Scales as the instrument of measure.
Are women equally as violent?
In the findings of a study by Molidor & Tolman (1998), which explored dating relationships among high school students, of the students who reported violence in their relationships, 70% of the girls reported their male partners initiated the violence whereas 27% of the boys reported initiation by a female partner. Boys were more likely to see the initiation as mutual (Molidor & Tolman, 1998).
One study of men and women filing assault complaints found only two differences among many measures: women had more pain, and women had less “vitality” (e.g., were more tired); however, the study included only 10 men (McFarlane, Willson, Malecha and Lemmey, 2000).
Some studies are used by both sides of this argument as in the work of Murray Straus (Stets and Straus, 1990; Straus, 1993; Straus, 1995). These studies conclude that women are “equally” as violent as men. However, Straus never intended for his studies to be used to forward the equality agenda: nonetheless, they are being referred to for this purpose. Straus recognizes the need to adjust violence rates for injury when he states “The injury adjusted rate for assaults by men is six times greater than the rate of domestic assaults by women” (1993).
In 1999 GSS, Statistics Canada surveyed 11,607 men age 15 years and older. It reported that of those men who had a current or former partner during the previous five-year period, 7% experienced some type of spousal abuse on at least one occasion, compared with 8% of their female counterparts” (Lupri and Grandin, 2004. pg. 2).

The authors go on to say that of the male victims, 54% of them where assaulted more than once and 13% of them more than 10 times (Lupri and Grandin, 2004). They further discuss the 1999 GSS findings which used a modified version of the Conflict Tactics Scales as a measure tool. They noted that men were more likely to report the “minor” forms of violence; K to O in the Conflict Tactics Scales: and, that the women are more likely to report experiencing severe forms of violence; items P, Q, and R in the Conflict Tactics Scales (Lupri and Grandin, 2004).
The various studies conducted suggest the “rates of domestic violence are equivalent” (Kimmel, 2002) have provoked various rebuttals from the feminist theorists that try to refute that men are victims or minimize the extent of their victimization. Those approaching this topic from a feminist perspective often contend that the studies have used faulty methodologies and/or measurement tools. Their concerns include the fact that many studies simply count the rates of violence by men and women and that they fail to include three important variables: the motives of each partner, the rates of initiation of violence by each partner in the relationship and in particular episodes, and the physical and psychological consequences of the violence to each partner (Dobash, Dobash, Wilson, and Daly, 1992).
A Closer Look at the Conflict Tactics Scales
A number of studies that conclude that women are equally as or more violent than men are challenged by those defending the feminist paradigm. A significant portion of the feminist rebuttal stems from a criticism which focuses largely upon the measurement tool used and the study sample that was selected.
The Conflict Tactics Scales is a measuring instrument developed by Murray Straus in 1979 to measure intrafamilial conflict and violence. This instrument, and modifications of it, is the primary measuring tool used in most community based samples that illustrate that women are equally as violent or even more violent as men. It begins with the preamble:
No matter how well a couple get along, there times when they disagree on major decisions, and get annoyed about something the other person does, or just have spats or fights because they were in a bad mood, or they were tired or some other reason. They also use many different ways of trying to settle their differences. Please read these things that you and your partner/spouse might do when you have an argument. Write down how many times these things happened in the past year (1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 times or write “lots” if more often than 5). If it never happened, put a check mark (√) in the never happened Column. (Straus, 1979, CTS – Spouse Form, Appendix B)

This scale contains 18 items listed from the letter A to R the first three could be considered ‘good’ conflict resolution, the items listed from D to G be considered ‘bad’ conflict resolution, the items H to J could be considered ‘threatening acts’ or the beginning of abuse, the items K to M would be considered ‘minor violent acts:’ threw something at another, pushed, grabbed, shoved or slapped another. The last five items on the list from N to R are what Straus calls “wife-beating” or “husband beating” acts: Kicked, bit or hit with a fist, hit or tried to hit with something; to beat up the other; to threaten with a knife, gun or other deadly weapon ; to use a knife , gun or other deadly weapon (Straus, 1979).
The argument against the Conflict Tactics Scales is that it counts all acts of violence both minor and severe, and that by been limited to the past year it doesn't record chronic abuse over time (Dobash, Dobash, Wilson, & Daly 1992, Kimmel 2002).
The question surrounding the source and selection of subjects stems from the idea that the subjects are drawn from ‘convenience’ samples. That is, many of the samples cited by these authors are usually taken from the large pool of subjects that the authors would have around them in their usual place of employment, for example, university and college students in dating relationships.
One of the arguments put forth by these feminists is that men in dating relationships will be less likely to exhibit violent behavior because a woman in a dating relationship has less incentive to remain compared to a married woman with children (Dobash, Dobash, Wilson and Daly, 1992; Kimmel, 2002).
The debate about who among the sexes is more violent it is one that will always be contentious, and not likely to be resolved in the near future. However, Tutty (1999) asks the question “is the use of violence the same as abuse?”
Most definitions of abuse include the broader concepts of control and power. For example, men who abuse their wives may be extremely jealous and may limit their wives’ activities or relationships or excessively control the family’s finances. Abusive behaviour also includes psychological abuse, such as verbal put-downs or threats of violence. Sexual assaults are commonly reported among women who have been seriously abused by their partners. (Tutty 1999. pg. 5)

The definition of abuse as cited above is itself an expansion of the concept put forth by Walker (1984) in her groundbreaking narrative “The Battered Woman Syndrome.” The power and control definition of woman abuse has led to an ever-expanding idea of what that abuse is: the Durham Protocol for Abused Women and their Families, for example contains four pages describing the “forms of abuse against women” (Violence Prevention Council, Durham Region, 1995 pp. 1-5 to 1-8).
Other researchers have studied other consequences of violence as well including mental well-being. The 1985 National Family Violence Survey reported that the proportion of severely victimized women with high levels of psychosomatic symptoms such as stress and depression was nearly double the proportion of men with such symptoms who experienced similar types of violence (Stets & Straus, 1990). In short, it is being suggested that women victimized by to domestic violence have a distinctly unique experience and that their experience is much more traumatic that the experiences of their male counterparts experiencing the same sort of violence.
Themes
The literature reviewed thus far strongly suggests that there is a significant difference between women who have been abused and men who have been abused. Among the articles I have explored, a number of researchers do produce some common themes. One such theme is that there exist a significant number of male survivors of intimate partner violence: however, in many cases, the author clearly emphasizes the differential in the level of violence. The male and female perception of the abuse and the ensuing struggles has also been noted as being vastly different. “Whereas women must struggle against abusive men and against social customs, attitudes and structures that disempowered them, men who are abused by their intimate female partners struggle with the maintenance of a masculine ideal (an ideal that expects them to be self-reliant and independent, as well as tougher, bigger and stronger than women)” (Lupri and Grandin, 2004. pg. 4).
The discussion ensues with additional common themes on both sides. One of which is the concept that there are indeed women who have being both the instigators and perpetrators of domestic violence. It is difficult for us as a society to acccept the idea that women can be perpetrators of violence against men, but the concept that women can be perpetrators of violence against other women or even children is nearly unimaginable. This notion - highlighted by Balasm and Szymanski (2005) and Bograd (1999) - remains largely unaccepted by society despite some of the stories reported in the media of high profile cases in which women have done harm to others such as children, other women and men. Society continues to view these women as aberrations from the norm who are suffering from some kind of pathology or who are victims of the marginalization of patriarchy.
In the words of Balasm and Szymanski: “feminist approaches to understanding domestic violence emphasize the link between individual men’s acts of violence and the broader cultural context of men's oppression of women” (2005, pg. 267). They highlight the need for us as a society to expand the current paradigm to acknowledge and “understand women as both victims and perpetrators” (Balasm and Szymanski 2005, pg. 267). Numerous articles reviewed articulate the need to challenge the current paradigms and expand our understanding of how society’s perceptions of domestic violence influence and have an impact on the available treatment and services to the victims of intimate partner violence.
Services for victimized men
In the course of the research, only three services geared directly to abused men were found. All three were in the form of a crisis hotline that men could call for counselling and information. Of these only one was receiving any kind of government funding: Amen (Abused men) in Ireland received a small stipend from the national government. The other two organizations: Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men based in Maine, USA, and the only direct service in Canada, the Family of Men Support Society based in Calgary, Alberta are both completely volunteer organizations.
Mary T. Cleary of St Anne's Resource Centre, Navan Co. Meath Eire is the founder of Amen which is a helpline for men who have been abused by their wives. Cleary reports that since it was founded in 1997, Amen has helped more than 36,000 callers with counselling and advice. Amen has obtained funding from the Irish government: albeit only 50,000 Euro, I know of no other government-funded organization that provide services directly to abused men. (Cleary, M. T., personal communication, March 20, 2006). Jan Brown, the director The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men based in the state of Maine, USA explains her predicament:
So far the only funding we have acquired is private donations and one check for $150.00 from the town we are based in....I penny pinch mightily to keep this org going.  We exist on less that $12,000.00 USD annually.  The Domestic Violence Coalition (they have one in just about every state in the US) has refused us membership because only groups that's primary purpose is to assist battered women and children may be allowed membership.  This completely blocks our ability to apply for or receive many federal and state grants...no community collaboration, no rubber stamp of the coalitions approval etc. no federal/state $$$'s.
We have a lawsuit against them for discrimination and are seeking declaratory judgement from the courts. It's pending now. We take calls from all over the USA but not Canada at this time due to limited resources and funding. At this time we are getting about 450 calls a month to the line 95-99% of them are from or about heterosexual male victims.
(Brown, J., personal communication March 22, 2006)

In Canada, the only direct service for abused men is Family of Men Support Society a totally volunteer group that offers a crisis hotline for men. Family of Men Support Society is run out of founder Earl Silverman’s home in Calgary, Alberta.
Other services in the areas of domestic violence purport to offer some help to male victims: however, men accessing these services often experience re-victimization.
Men indicated that their disclosures of abuse where often met late reactions of disbelief, surprise and skepticism from the staff of domestic abuse shelters, legal-based institutions and hospitals, as well as friends and neighbors. These reactions may cause male victims to feel even more abused. (Lupri and Grandin, 2004. pg. 4-5)

These types of story of male victim’s experiences with the institutions in society that are supposed to aid and protect them are far too common. When men get the courage to disclose the abuse and seek help, it is important that those working in the institutions be aware of the implications of intimate partner violence - especially on the abused man.
It is evident that there is a need for a screening protocol for male victims since the current practice suggests that “many male victims may be the primary perpetrator of intimate partner violence in the relationship rather then the victim” (Coker et. al, 2002. pg. 266). It is clear that the current guidelines in the area of domestic violence to not apply to males.
To our knowledge, published treatment and referral recommendations for males who are intimate partner violence victims do not exist. This issue deserves further careful study. (Coker et. al, 2002. pg. 266-267).

New directions in Research
Balasm and Szymanski highlight the significance of implementing an expanded paradigm in our approach to service provision in cases of intimate partner violence. Their study focuses on the importance of incorporating other forms of oppression into our understanding of domestic violence in both same-sex and opposite sex relationships. Identifying the external and internal stressors common among marginalized minority groups that negatively impact relationships can direct future violence prevention and intervention efforts among diverse populations of women and men (Balasm and Szymanski, 2005. pg. 267).
Many people in politically and socially powerful positions tend to generalize in order to make sense of issues that affect society, and to establish paradigms that help formulate a response to dealing with these issues. These types of generalizations are seen within society in general: often the concepts that stem from these generalizations are developed to be readily applied to a large population and maximize the ‘benefit’ to society. This is the epitome of the current funding concept around domestic violence, and by doing so we as a society fail to attend to the needs of some of our most vulnerable members. In order for the issue of intimate partner violence to be effectively addressed, it is imperative that the theories and causes of intimate partner violence be inclusive and encompass both genders and as many class structures, orientations, racial differences and cross as many economic boundaries as possible.
Instead of arguing the issue with statistics, and scientific “evidence,” male survivors of intimate partner violence and those who stand beside them to champion their cause would do well to heed the example set forth by Lenore Walker. Providing a forum for survivors to share their stories has the potential of creating an identifiable reality for the reader as opposed to an antipathetic debate about percentages.
Walker’s quantitative narrative study of abused women “The Battered Woman” (1979) laid the groundwork the vast expense of knowledge about female victims of domestic violence. Many of the large number of the studies of female victims of domestic violence have a narrative component that allows the voices of abused victims to be heard (Murphy & O’Leary, 1994; Smith, 1994).
Qualitative narratives of men who experienced violence at the hand of their female partner can, and do highlight the experiences of these survivors even though they do not qualify as studies that can be used to generalize the concept of ‘the battered man’ across the population. This has been a direction that research into abused men has taken in the past few years. Some recent authors (Migliaccio, 2002; Cook, 1997; George, 2003; Hines, Brown and Dunning to be published in 2007; Lehane, 2005) have conducted qualitative studies that allow the narrative story of men who have been victimized by their wives to be told. The book by Philip Cook, “Abused men: the hidden side of domestic violence” (1997), the only one this research found on the subject, is a narrative similar to that of Lenore Walker’s.
An example of such a narrative can be found on the web sites of the only three services for abused men that I found in my research. What follows is small sample of the many stories that are heard by those who answer the help lines. This is an excerpt from one of the many stories available on the Amen site; speaking of his long experience of abuse at the hands of his wife, one man describes vividly the beginning of the end.
The turning point came on 10 July 1997. It was about 10 to 9 on a lovely summers evening. I thought I was in the house on my own. I was putting away the shopping and suddenly I felt a thump in the back. I turned around to find my wife standing, smiling. Then I heard the word's “that’s the last f**king shopping you’ll ever do. I felt soaking wet. I couldn't believe that this blood was running out of me. My shirt had changed color. There was blood everywhere. I put my hand up and felt a knife in my back. I had to get out of that house if I was going to have a chance to live. I banged on my neighbours door, screaming. She called the emergency services. I fell down in the garden. There was blood everywhere. I remember thinking that I'm dying and that I’ll never see my children again. I remember lights flashing and crowds gathering. I felt people slapping my face and calling my name. (Amen, 2006)

In their paper Hines, Brown and Dunning (to be published in 2007) give many examples of men’s traumatic stories.
She stabbed me with a knife, and I didn't even defend myself, and after I got out of the hospital two weeks later, the court tells me to go to a group they say is for victims. It turns out to be for batterers and I'm expected to admit being abuser and talk about what I did to deserve getting stabbed. (Hines, Brown and Dunning, to be published in 2007. pg. 15.)

Jan Brown of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men regularly checks these types of stories with the agency that the men identify as having misdirected them in order to confirm them. These checks with the current services available for domestic abuse victims confirm that they’re often re-victimized in their dealings with domestic violence agencies that are meant to deal with family violence. These male victims seeking assistance are often being “automatically” directed to a batterer’s group. When they were asked why they referred a male victim to a batterers group, the referral agency stated "we send all on male callers there” (Hines, Brown and Dunning, to be published in 2007. pg. 15).
The struggle for men who are dealing with abuse from their female partner is both very different, and sometimes more complex than the struggle faced by women who have been abused. Men in today's society are supposed to be both strong and gentle, bread winners and caregivers, proud of being a male and in touch with their feminine side. Increasingly, men are more aware of their role as fathers and the impact they have on their children. More value is being placed, by some men, on their child rearing role than that of their career. In the workplace, decisions are no longer made from a top-down position - often they are more based on consensus. The changing dichotomy within society in itself alone is a challenge to the male “identity.” We are faced with many media images of masculinity such as "macho" male characters in films and television, men such as Bruce Willis (Diehard), Clint Eastwood (Heartbreak Ridge), Arnold Schwarzenegger (True Lies) and their ability to take a slap from a woman. It must be very confusing for male victims when the slap really hurts and can no longer be ignored. It is ironic as George (2003) pointed out, when the “macho” male actors are themselves victims of spousal abuse.
Both John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart suffered violence from a wife in real life. John Wayne by his second wife Conchita Martinez, Humphrey Bogart from his wife, Mayo Methot who was described by contemporary observers as having a vicious right hook (George, 2003. pg. 27-28).

A common theme that arises from listening to the stories of men, who have been abused by their wife is confusion about their identity. In absence of a social structure like the feminist paradigm that explains men's violence towards women, these abused men are faced with trying to explain that what happened to them as been the result of pathological disorder affecting their wife, or the result of their own failure.
The men felt that they had failed to achieve culturally defined masculine characteristics, such as independence, strength, toughness and self-reliance. As a result, the men felt emasculated and marginalized, and tended not to express their fears, ask for help, or even discuss details of the violent experiences. (Lupri and Grandin, 2004. pg. 4)

In Canada if a person pushes, grabs, or slaps - actions identified as minor acts of violence in the Conflict Tactics Scales - they can be charged with criminal assault. If an object is used in the course of violence the charge would escalate. “Acts such as assault and threats of violence, regardless of the context, are offenses under the criminal code of Canada” (Lupri and Grandin, 2004. pg. 5).
For men in Canada there is very little in the way of resources to help them deal with a wife who should be charged under the criminal code of Canada, for inflicting violence on her partner. It is evident that there needs to be much more information gathered and disseminated throughout the institutions of Canadian society in order that the barriers to the eradication of all violence within the family be removed. The current funding paradigm is geared to shelters for abused women: however these services exclude many such as women in same sex relationships, gay men, elders, and men who have suffered abuse at the hands of their female partner.
In these days of fiscal restraint it is imperative that the funding for female victims of abuse by their male partners be maintained as there is a clear need for these services. If anything the funding for the women’s shelter system should be increased. Rather than challenging the allocation of the scarce funding, men’s rights groups perhaps should try to facilitate the eradication of all domestic violence by championing the need for new and different services that cater to those on the margins: domestic violence protocols to promote services geared to those not currently getting their needs met by the current system. For example, among those could be shelters and services for women in same sex relationships, services geared to the needed of the elders in our society being abused in their homes, and counselling and legal advice services for men being abused by their partners.
All of these services would be directed by the issues identified from the stories of the victims – those voices that are not heard or attended to, are what is missing from the current paradigm. By conducting the research in this paper from a qualitative narrative standpoint, I hope to provide a forum for the men who provide me their stories about their experiences as victims a chance to be heard.

 Chapter Three
Methodology
Research Design
This practice research paper is intended to allow some of those men who have experienced violence at the hands of their wives to tell their story in their own words. It's not the purpose of this paper to enter the current debate around the egalitarian ideas of intimate partner violence. I only hope to give a voice to those on the margins of this debate who are not been heard.
Most research is quantitative in nature: that is, the research counts the number of times a given phenomena occurs and using various measurement tools, assesses the size and impact of the phenomena. Qualitative research in the other hand is concerned with the essence of the phenomena:
“Quality refers to the what, how, when, and where of a thing- its essence and ambience.” (Berg, 2004. pg. 2)

Since the purpose of this paper is to give those who are survivors or victims of intimate partner violence at the hand of their female partners a chance to tell their story, this research is based on qualitative methodology.
The methodology was designed to answer my research question of how intimate partner violence impacts on male survivors of abuse at the hands of their female partners and what social services and resources are available to male survivors of intimate partner violence.
Theme specific or open-ended questions
There were a number of themes of the experiences of male victims of intimate partner violence that surfaced in the literature review. Aside from the themes of physical, emotional and psychological abuse various authors in the literature review noted that the men expressed themes such as an embarrassment, and feelings of emasculation as they fail to live up to the typified ideal. Another theme that emerged in the literature review was that men seeking help for the abuse where often re-victimized and treated as perpetrators of abuse. As a survivor of intimate partner violence, I could relate to many of the themes that arose during the literature review. However given my social location, I felt questions about these themes could be leading and bias the results. Therefore, it was decided to use the simpler open-ended questions and to focus on cross-referencing these themes in the data analysis.
To achieve this goal, a standardized questionnaire was designed: a simple series of open ended questions (see Appendix C) to elicit the experience of male survivors of intimate partner violence. The questions where simply stated such as: Describe your experience with your partner. A series of questions followed making reference to various other areas of their lives. It was felt that by simply asking for descriptions of their experience that the resulting data will be a much more accurate reflection of their own perception of what they endured. It was a goal of this research not to influence or shape in any way that the direction of their answers. There were three further questions added to the questionnaire around themes that arose in the literature review: two dealing with the mental stability of the abusers, and one surrounding the propensity towards violence against others. The final question explored interventions/counselling received by the participants.
Social Location
At the beginning of this research, I was concerned about my own social location as survivor of abuse and how it would impact on the research project. While I understood my adviser’s position not to include my own experience in the research, I must admit I was not prepared for the emotions I experienced as I was writing in this paper. During the review of the literature I found myself getting emotional as I came across the stories of other men with similar experiences to my own. The response from Mary Clearly at Amen Ireland to my request for help moved me to tears. It was the first time that I had exposed myself and my experience to a stranger, and received unconditional empathetic response. Though I knew the conducting interviews with male survivors of intimate partner violence would be an emotional experience, I was hoping that my experience is a social worker would allow me to contain my emotions and allow unbiased and empathetic responses to their story.
While conducting a face-to-face interview with my first participant using the open-ended questions, as the dialogue began I found that his answers were evoking in me an emotional and physical response. We had begun with the question “what was your experience with your wife” and I found that I was having a hard time staying detached as a researcher. At one point while answering the question the participant got choked up and emotional and we stopped the interview. Some time was spent debriefing the experience and it became obvious that we were each evoking emotional responses from each other. While this encounter was very therapeutic for both of us, it did make it difficult to have unbiased responses to the questions. Because of this, I made a decision at that point to suggest that perhaps it would be better I provided him at a questionnaire as a felt I could not keep from responding to the information I was receiving as it was evoking memories of my own experiences.
From Interview to Questionnaire
The rationale for pulling out of the face-to-face interview was I felt that my presence and my response would be leading the participant to respond in kind, and therefore his answers would be influenced by my experience. The participant and I both agreed that it would be better if I provided him with a list of questions which he would answer. It was from here that the decision was made to produce the open ended questionnaire used in this study. This decision, I felt, truly allowed the information that I received to be the participant’s response to the questions. The research lost the affect of their experience which made it more difficult to identify the emotional based themes in the data analysis; however, it did allow a more unbiased telling of their story.
Another factor that influenced this decision was the lack of local possibilities for data collection. The original research plan was to have snowball sampling expanding out from two original contacts. One of these contacts is a participant in this study and I was hoping that his experience would have connected me to further contacts. The other contact did have a number of men who where victims of abuse by the hand of their partner but because of the research criteria which asked for male victims of intimate partner violence who did not retaliate, none of these men could take part in the study. Some of these men had pushed their wives out of the way to escape the violence.
Sample
It was felt that at least four to six participants are required in order to facilitate a workable sample to complete the study. To achieve this sample size a nonprobability sampling strategy known as snowball sampling was used.
Snowball samples are particularly popular among researchers interested in studying various classes of deviance, sensitive topics, or difficult to reach populations (Lee, 1993). (Berg, 2004. p. 36)

An e-mail was sent to the contacts that I had made during literature review with people who supported abused men asking for their help in finding participants. From there, e-mails were forwarded to various people connected to the network. It should be noted that some time was spent sending e-mails back and forth clarifying the criteria of “did not retaliate”.
The final definition as sent in an e-mail to Jan Brown:
Mrs. Brown,
By "did not retaliate," I meant that the violence was not mutual.  In the
definition that I am using, self-defence would be limited to actions which
prevent/attempt to prevent the wife/girlfriend from continuing to inflict
violence (i.e. restraint by holding forearms). (Duffy, personal communication.
March 20, 2006)

From these sources a list of 22 additional contacts was received. E-mail contact was initiated with these people using a standard introduction and request (see Appendix D). 15 of these contacts responded indicating their willingness to participate in this study. To each of these 15 people, consent forms, a questionnaire and sample of how their words maybe use in the paper was sent out. Of these 15, seven returned consent forms, four of these returned questionnaires, one kept promising to send the questionnaire (not received by the deadline date), one agreed to a phone interview that my wife facilitated (as I am hard of hearing) and the other agreed to an MSN interview which we were unable to coordinate before the deadline date. Three other contacts provided their phone numbers in the e-mail, but not consent forms. So the final sample consisted of six completed questionnaires containing over 16,500 words. Five completed questionnaires ranging from 416 words to 4969 words, and one telephone interview approx 4000 words.
Difficulties
It was very frustrating at times doing this research, first there was the amount of time spent connecting certain individuals. One person in particular kept promising, in a number of e-mails back and forth, to send a completed questionnaire which has not been received as of this writing.
A lot of time was spent arranging and travelling to an interview with someone who identified themselves as someone who was a victim of female spousal abuse. When I arrived, I was to find that they had their own agenda - focused on promoting equality among the courts in custody and access disputes. Another contract was with a woman who indicated that she knew the man who might be willing to answer an anonymous questionnaire. Various e-mails and ensued back and forth and the full package with the consent form was sent to her. In the end however, he was unwilling to participate.
However, much more frustrating to me was a contact with one man in particular who struggled at the idea of participating seeking various assurances around confidentiality and my validity as a researcher. It was obvious to me in our exchange that this man was struggling with his experience at it was difficult for me to maintain my distance as a researcher. Despite all my assurances around confidentiality and in my validity as a researcher, he finally decided not to participate “I still don't feel comfortable with this whole thing” (Prospective Participant, personal communication, April 5, 2006). The most frustrating thing about this experience was that I as social worker did not have any resources to refer this man to.
Ethical Issues
In conducting research that asked people to answer questions about traumatic events in their lives, the researcher must be aware of the impact of the revisitation of these events could have on the participants. It is very important that the researcher ask the participants if they needed any assistance in dealing with taking part in the research.
In the interest of ensuring no harm to the participants, it is important to debrief the subjects and to determine if they require any assistance, counseling, or explanations for questions they been asked. (Berg, 2004. pg. 61)

Knowing that answering the questionnaires could raise some emotions, memories, and revisit past trauma there was an ethical responsibility for the researcher to debrief each of the participants. In the case of this research, this was accomplished face-to-face with one participant, over the phone by proxy (through my wife, as I am hearing-impaired) with another, and by e-mail checking in with the other participants.

 Chapter Four
Findings
Analysis
One of the most important lessons I learned as a student many years ago as I first began the long road to becoming a social worker was the value of exploring many different viewpoints of an issue before making a decision of where I stand on it. In research, it is often helpful (and in fact necessary) to explore the various viewpoints of a given issue in order to best present your results as a valid argument.
By combining several lines of sight, researchers obtain a better, more substantive picture of reality; a richer more complete array of symbols and theoretical concepts; and a means of verifying many of these elements. The use of multiple lines of sight is frequently called triangulation. (Berg, 2004. p. 5)

Triangulation in this paper consisted of an extensive literature review that explored both sides of the issue, information from the few service providers for abused men, questionnaires/ interviews with male victims, and an interview that brings the unique perspective of a man who witnessed his father being abused by his mother.
Triangulation was also applied when it came time to begin the data analysis. I had asked for the help of three people to be second readers. One was an experienced male social worker who had some knowledge of male abuse issues, and the two other readers were both female and not connected to the social work field. I selected these three people in order to get their different perspectives to this issue. I felt that the male social worker would be able to give me a more detached viewpoint which I could use to check my own social location in the analysis of the data. The two female readers, who are of two different generations, would help me check any gender bias in the analysis.
All three of the readers were given the same data and asked to pick out the themes they noted in the data. I was able to use their impressions of the themes as the rule of thumb for how accurate my selection of themes was.
If many of these items say similar things that establish a pattern, then you are able to offer the reader some idea how strong the pattern is by describing its magnitude (the proportion of the sample that made similar comments or statements). A common rule of thumb is that a minimum of three occurrences of something can be considered a pattern. The rationale for this as follows: once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, and three times moves beyond mere chance to a pattern. (Berg, 2004. pg.. 287)

In order for a given theme to be used in the paper it must be a part of a pattern that occurred on at least three questionnaires. Being well aware of how my own social location may impact on the accuracy of my analysis, I will triangulate each theme used in the paper with references to the literature review and multiple examples verbatim from the data in the text. It is my hope that this methodology will prevent an inaccurate analysis of the data.
Researchers must use several safeguards against these potential flaws in analysis. First, whenever numbers of cases allow, examples that illustrate a point should be lifted at random from among the relevant grouped cases. Second, every assertion made in the analysis should be documented with no fewer than three examples. Third, analytic interpretations should be examined carefully by an independent reader (someone other than the actual researchers) to ensure that their claims and assertions are not derived from a misreading of the data. (Berg, 2004. pg. 284)

To begin my data analysis each of the six participants were given an identifying name. I first considered using numbers such as “participant one,” but felt more comfortable using aliases for their given names. There's no rhyme or reason to the names I chose except perhaps they reflect my choice in music: Buddy, Jerry, Ringo, Paul, Elvis, and Arlo. As well, in all quotes the names of the people involved as well as the names of the cities, towns and provinces have been changed in order to protect the participants’ confidentiality.
The participants range in age from 30 years old to 60; two are master level professionals, three are tradesmen and one is a mid-level professional. Most expressed that they had a difficult time working because of the abuse, some had taken excessive time off from work, others had lost employment as a direct result of the abuse and one is on long-term disability. Their abusers, had education levels ranging from university graduate to high school dropout. It must be noted that there are seven abusers in this study as one of the men was involved in two abusive relationships.
I began my analysis by high-lighting the various responses that reflected some form of abuse. These statements were then further reduced into areas such as physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Using different coloured highlighters, I assigned statements to the various categories - of course there were more themes than were colours of highlighters. A simple system of adding an initial beside the highlighted statement allowed me to expand the number of categories. I successfully noted similar themes in at least three of the men’s stories – and the additional check was at least two of the three other readers identified the same.
Much consideration was given to the presentation of the findings since an original goal of this paper was to give voice to these survivors; it was one of my goals as a researcher to utilize their words verbatim within the text of this paper. There were a number of themes that were evident in the data received, and it was decided that the best way to present the findings would be to combine the findings with the analysis theme by theme.
Themes
The themes noted in the analysis of the data are physical, emotional and psychological abuse, manipulating the system, denying and blaming, deceit, isolation, fear, re-victimization, shame and guilt, and depression. Many of these are similar to those used on the Power and Control Wheel of the Duluth Model (see Appendix E) which is at the forefront of the feminist paradigm of woman abuse. Each of these concepts will be explored making the link between the literature review and verbatim examples from the data. A number of these impressions however combined to produce an overriding theme that appeared in this research - a model we will call institutionalized sexism.
Physical Assaults
All but one of the participants stated that they were victims of various levels physical violence. The men were subjected to being slapped, bitten, kicked in the testicles, pushed down the stairs, hit with a baseball bat, and being stabbed with a knife.
I was in the kitchen drying a pan, when she suddenly came up behind me and grabbed the pan out of my hand and began hitting me in the head with it. (Ringo)

…initially assault and threats, off and on, become more frequent and more intense until almost constant and approaching life threatening. (Buddy)

Many times she would go into rages of jealousy and would hit me in the face or/and kick me in the testicles. It seemed to be her preferred form of crippling me. (Paul)

She also injured me by throwing a heavy pot at my foot. When I sat down on the couch, she came over to "kiss it better". Instead she bit my big toe to the bone. (Elvis)

These examples of physical assaults are similar to those reported in the literature review, Migliaccio (2002), Cook (1997), George (2003), Hines, Brown and Dunning (to be published in 2007) and Lehane, (2005) all cite similar descriptive narratives of the physical abuse.
Emotional Abuse
All of the participants cite examples of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse differs from psychological abuse; it includes degrading comments, playing mind games, humiliation, and making one feel guilty. The impact of the emotional abuse of the best described in the words of Arlo who relates his perspective of his father's victimization:
When you got a woman who is barely 100 pounds, and she is the physically violent one - my father 160-170 pounds 5 foot 10 and he is the passive one - when the physical abuse is entirely non-life threatening but when the thing that is doing the damage is, umm - I don't know. I sort of liken it to, umm, being in a POW camp where they try to break you – where it’s unrelenting and where you lie awake trying to figure out how not to get her angry. That can do a lot more damage than getting punched and ending up with a black eye. (Arlo)

Other examples of the emotional abuse that the men were subjected to by their wives again reflect similar statements contained in many of the articles in the literature review. The men were put down the front of their children, derogatory comments were made about their families and friends, and their wives exhibited extreme jealously often accompanied by a physical reprimand.
She would scream in my ears and has caused a loss of hearing. (Elvis)

If I went for a beer after work with the guys which was normal and permissible early in the relationship, I was expected to phone first, and when I did I would be drilled on where and with whom. And when I got home then I had to re-count for the time. (Jerry)

My ex-wife gradually became verbally abusive and very controlling, arguing with me over the slightest things - telling me that I put my boots on the wrong way, that I didn’t butter the bread the right way, that I didn’t vacuum properly, she decided that she did not like any of my friends or family, and did not like me seeing them. (Ringo)

She began to subject me to all kinds of mental abuse, exhibiting extreme jealousy towards other females in our apartment complex, often slapping me for looking at these women, and scouting the areas we were in to “protect “ me from seeing other women. (Paul)

I was told in front of my children that my only value was a pay cheque. (Jerry)

It is very difficult to understand the effects of long-term emotional abuse: being subjected to a continuing barrage of put-downs, derogatory terms, and constant questioning of “who and what” in all your activities erodes your sense of self-worth and leads to self-blaming and guilt. Arlo, himself was also a victim of his mother’s emotional abuse - this is clearly illustrated by his account of a visit back home as an adult:
I got there an hour late for dinner and things went downhill from there - by about two days later, things had worked themselves up to a point where I was just wandering around the Rochester campus all tied up in knots. I felt like stepping onto the highway - and that really woke me up - I had spent three or four years on my own and here I am after spending time with my mother I am back to where I was 10 years ago. (Arlo)
Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse is a form of abuse that uses intimidation, threats and coercion in order to control the other party. The women in this study reportedly slapped, kicked, threatened, and had other members of their family deliver threats of physical violence to their husbands. Intimidating by destroying property intensified their control over the relationship by isolating the man from his family and friends often using jealousy as a reason.
The unhealthy extreme of jealousy exhibited by Paul’s wife resulted in a lot of pain – both physical and psychological.
One time I was driving the car, and stopped at a stoplight, and as a female pedestrian walked by she [the wife] punched me in the face screaming “what are you looking at.” During this occurrence, my 3 children were in the back seat of the car. (Paul)

The abuser often would belittle the victim’s family and friends, using derogatory terms and controlling visits with the family.
My friends and working companions were referred to has a bunch of drunks and liars. My family was referred to in derogatory terms such as they are all just a bunch of clean freaks. Any of our family outings were always with her family. Any outings with my family never happened, or I went alone. I was slowly but surely isolated from my family and friends. (Jerry)

She decided that she did not like any of my friends or family, and did not like me seeing them. (Ringo)

The women applied many methods to achieve this abuse, even as far as making false allegations to their own families in order to have threats made against the victim;
During the marriage, she repeatedly slapped and hit me, on one occasion, when we were with some neighbors; she forcefully and willfully kicked me in the testicles, and then casually suggested she was sorry, but laughed about it. On another occasion, she kicked me in the testicles and threw me down a flight of stairs. On other occasions, she would tell her family I was abusive towards her and I would receive threats of physical violence from them. (Paul)

The extent of the need to control everything within the union, is reflective in the behavior a Paul's wife who could not physically abuse him when he was not available for couple weeks proceeded to find alternative ways to inflict the abuse.
My Mother was moving and I offered to give her a hand, and left the town to go help out for a couple weeks. While I was gone, I found some work, and stayed at my brother’s house for that time. I received threatening phone calls from my ex-wife while I was away, and she gave away my dog to someone in the United States. (Paul)

Another aspect of the psychological abuse the men were exposed to is the abuser's denial that there's anything wrong with them. Often they make light of the abuse, sometimes laughing and oftentimes shifting the responsibility for the abuse to others.
As explained earlier, my ex-wife was diagnosed as being bipolar (hypermanic only, not depressive) and as having a personality disorder. My ex-wife never accepted this diagnosis, and insisted it was post-partum depression. However, despite seeking out the opinion of a number of psychiatrists, all of whom agreed with the original diagnosis, she has never accepted that she had or has any disorder at all. (Ringo)

The persecution continued for a number of years while I struggled to maintain my relative sanity. I visited my family doctor whom prescribed antidepressants to function during the day and sleeping pills to rest at night. I managed to get her to accompany me to a couple of different marriage counseling sessions. After a few sessions she refused to go any more stating that “why should I go to counseling, there’s nothing wrong with me! (Jerry Lee)

She came to expect certain privileges….too self-focused to be able to see the effect she was having on those around her. She was out of control and not rational. She was devoted to us in very counterproductive ways - ways that harmed us. But let anyone else do anything to us, and she was there defending us completely. It was in part ownership of those people in her family, blindness and lack of enough awareness to be able to see the effect she was having on people. Such people are inherently monsters - maybe they are not capable of getting help. I don't know of she was in denial or just not capable of understanding. (Arlo)

Deceit
A theme that emerged from the men's stories, that was not discussed or evident in the literature review is one of deceit. The men reported that their wives lied to them about (among other things) their past, pregnancy, and the number of children they wanted in the marriage.
The deceit extended to the families of the women, as stories that may have warned them about their wives past behaviours as a violent person were suppressed. The man often found after leaving the abusive relationship that their wives had a history of violence and control.
Paul feels that his ex-wife lied to him about being pregnant in order to trick him into marrying her.
She declared she was pregnant. Since I was infatuated with her, knew nothing of women and felt that I had a responsibility for any children I produced, I said I would marry her, we proceeded to make wedding plans for the following February since she wanted to get married before she got too big from the pregnancy. We proceeded to get married in February, and she was supposedly due to deliver in June, but she never got bigger from the pregnancy, She quit her job so she could come to the town I was working out of and 1 month after being married, she said she had a miscarriage. In June, she declared she was pregnant again and due to deliver in November, therefore she became pregnant on or about the time we got married, not prior to the wedding as she previously said. (Paul)

The deceit Ringo was exposed to came both from his ex-wife and her family. His ex-wife lied about family planning.
Prior to the marriage, we had naturally discussed what we expected out of a marriage, including of course, children. I had always wanted a large family, and from the very beginning I had explained that ideally I would like to have four children. Prior to our marriage, my ex-wife had indicated that she agreed with this… On the night of our wedding, as we were leaving the reception, I was driving our car to the airport. …with no warning whatsoever, made the statement “I have something to tell you, I’ve changed my mind and I’ve decided that we’re not going to have any children at all… I just thought I should let you know.” (Ringo)

Ringo’s wife became pregnant after six years of marriage and the prospect of having a child was not very appealing to her:
…she discovered she was pregnant, I was ecstatic and over-joyed, but she became very upset, punching herself in the stomach and yelling “get it out of me”. (Ringo)

She also concealed an affair she was having with another man at work from him; this affair was ongoing while she was pregnant.
while she was six months pregnant, I discovered that my ex-wife was having an affair with a co-worker, and had been for the previous year. When I confronted my ex-wife, she acknowledged that it was true and showed absolutely no remorse whatsoever, and told me that I would “simply have to get over it”. When I questioned whether she knew if the baby was my child, she simply shrugged, and responded “I guess we’ll find out”. The man she had been having the affair with was an older black man, with very dark skin, while I and my wife are Caucasian… (Ringo)

Paul's wife was very adept at using deceit to establish and maintain control;

I had bought a house in Riverdale (Manitoba) because I worked all around the province and it is central to my work area, we had 2 children by this time and she was pregnant with a third. While I was out of town, she moved to her home town in Saskatchewan, because “she would not live in the house, she would be alone all the time with the children, had no friends” and a myriad of other excuses. She phoned me on my mobile phone and said she was in labor and wanted me there as soon as I could so I quit my long time good paying job, leaving the company in a bad situation, to move to Saskatchewan and be there for the delivery of the 3rd child. When I got there, she said she was not in labor and the baby wasn’t due for another 2 months, and I was supposed to stay there and get a job there so I could be with her. The home was repossessed and I lost many thousands of dollars. (Paul)

Fear
Fear can be a debilitating emotion, or a great motivator. For the men in this study it was both: fear of being arrested on false charges stopped some from seeking assistance from the police. Fear for their own safety or for the safety of their children motivated some to seek help. The men in the study where subjected to attacks with weapons, had their children assaulted, had their wives make threats of suicide, and were assaulted while holding their children. What follows is some their stories reflecting this theme.
One evening she called me and was very drunk or drugged and said good bye. I was up all night, very worried, and phoned early in the morning and got my daughter on the phone and she said she could not wake her mother, and I told her to call the police. (Paul)

A dichotomy is created between what society has taught them about the nurturing nature of mothers, and the fearful evidence before them that the mother of their children is subjecting them to harm.
With the baby in my arms, I was at the top of a set of stairs, about to go down into the basement of our house, when all of a sudden my ex-wife came up from behind me and pushed us down the stairs. Rather than reaching out to grab the handrail, I instinctively curled my arms and my head around the baby as I bounced down the stairs, landing on a concrete floor. I had suffered a broken arm; however, the baby was fine. (Ringo)

Once she threw our baby at me like a football, screaming "Here's your F---ING baby, you love her more than me." (Elvis)

The accretion of abuse created such fear that these men made attempts to adjust their behaviour in hopes of placating their spouse and avoiding another incident.
If we went out for an evening, I always made sure we were with a lot of people, because I was frankly scared to be alone with her for any length of time. (Paul)

Perhaps most chilling is the revelation of the extent of the potential for violence that their wives exhibited.
One occasion the [eviction] notice came and I was totally disbelieving as I watched her sit on the couch with a pen and paper and plot how she would murder the landlord. I knew I was in serious trouble then and I was desperate to get some help. (Paul)

My ex-wife woke up in the middle of a very stormy night, with a great deal of rain and lightning, screaming that something was after her and that we had to get away. I decided to call emergency services at 911, because I was simply out of ideas about what to do. While I was on the telephone, my ex-wife had grabbed the baby and ran outside onto our driveway, where she held the baby upside down by one ankle, raising the baby over her head and yelling “come and get me”…(Ringo)

It was the fear for his daughter’s safety that finally convinced Ringo to end his marriage;

On one occasion my daughter was eating in her high chair when she dropped food onto the floor, and my ex-wife ran over to her in a rage and began yelling at her and would pinch the inside of her thighs, causing redness, swelling and later bruising. …when my daughter was again eating in her high chair, my ex-wife went over to her and began slapping her hands because she was “playing with her food” and then when the baby began to cry, my ex-wife put her hand over her face and yelled at her to “shut up or else”. …The situation became so bad that I would not leave the baby alone with her mother, and would even take her into the bathroom with me when I would have a shower.
…she was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my daughter - she would yell and scream at her, which my daughter would describe as “mommy yelled at my eyes”. Finally, my ex-wife began to become physically abusive to my daughter, on one occasion dragging her across the lawn by her hair, and on another occasion throwing her at the wall. …I had to do something, that if something ever happened to me, that there would be no one to protect my daughter. (Ringo)

The examples from Ringo’s story above were used to show the accumulation of fear and how they impacted on Ringo's decision to finally separate from his wife. In addition to the fear generated by these women, many men learned to fear the institutions in society that were supposed to protect them.
Manipulating the System
The women who abused their husbands became quite adept at manipulating the system to their own ends. Hines, Brown and Dunning (to be published in 2007) used this term in their paper to annotate the flip side of the Power and Control Wheel’s “using male privilege”.
The system is those institutions in society that have established protocols for dealing with domestic violence. In order for someone to be able to manipulate it, the system has to be structured in such a way that this is possible. Institutionalized sexism provides such a playing field.
Institutionalized sexism is an issue not readily identified in the literature review as such, however the concept is present. It is the inherent bias against men created by universal acceptance of the feminist paradigms in the protocol that deals with domestic violence. Many authors have identified that when the female abuser has made false allegations of abuse, the current protocols make those allegations very difficult to disprove (Migliaccio, 2002; Cook, 1997; George, 2003; Hines, Brown and Dunning to be published in 2007; Lehane, 2005). They also noted that many men were re-victimized as they tried to seek help from the various institutions in society that offered protection to female victims of domestic violence. None had suggested that the inequality is because of the inherent limits that structuring a protective protocol from a gender specific paradigm would have.
The first two examples suggest that the women had reason to believe that if they called the police, it would appear as though they were the victim.
On one occasion, when my ex-wife attacked me in the kitchen with a pair of knives, I was able to fend her off by grabbing hold of her wrists and hanging on until she dropped the knives. Once she dropped the knives, I released her wrists and she then ran about ten feet from me, where she stood yelling at me that she was going to call the police, that she had red marks and bruises on her wrists from where I had held her, and that now she had proof that I abused her and she was going to have me jailed. (Ringo)

She slapped and punched me, and I pushed her away, telling her she is not to do that again, she screamed [that] I hit her, [she] ripped my clothing off my body, and punched me in the face, then ran to the neighbors and phoned the police. (Paul)

The judicial system seems to have a bias when it comes to dealing with issues around custody and access.
If I did not agree to settle on the terms posed by my ex-wife, she would fight me for custody, and my (female) lawyer indicated to me that there was a very real chance, despite the circumstances, that my ex-wife would at least get joint custody.
My lawyer indicated that the danger was in part due to my daughter’s age, the fact that she was female, and finally that the courts were still very old fashioned and despite what anyone might say, the courts still always favored the mother in custody disputes. The result was that in order to settle and obtain custody of my daughter, I had to give on everything else, including material possessions, and agree to no child support, even though based on the guidelines in place my ex-wife should be contributing $800 per month in child support. (Ringo)

After I decided to leave the matrimonial home the persecution continued, Emotionally, using access to the children as a weapon. (Jerry)

Re-victimization

Lupri and Grandin (2004) discuss the “masculine ideal” and because of the masculine ideal, it is very difficult for men to seek help in the first place. Unfortunately, when some of the participants did take that chance, the professionals or police involved did not respond as they had hoped.
Counseling services: Insisted it had to be mutual violence and dropped it when it was clearly not mutual. Court: Crown refused to prosecute, forced a mutual peace bond eventually, and police refused to enforce. Victim Services told me there was nothing and to go away. (Buddy)

One evening she accused me of having sex with her best friend and came at me with a large kitchen knife. I ran to the neighbors and called the police. I was shocked to hear from the officer on the phone “What, can’t you handle your wife by yourself?”
After that I never called the police again… (Paul)

The police are unsympathetic and have five times arrested me without cause on the basis of false allegations. Once I was arrested for attempted kidnap of my son and attempted rape of my ex wife by a rookie, female RCMP officer. I had phoned 911, and the whole thing was recorded. Alice bit my wrist and split my lower lip with a head butt. After the officer listened to the 911 tape recording she asked me to forget my arrest. (Elvis)

They sent one female officer to arrest me, and she detained me, with no hassles, informed me that she thought my ex-wife was a lunatic, and didn’t think I had done any of the things I was being accused of by her, but she had a “program” that she had to follow regarding domestic violence and I was just to follow her lead, since I was not abusive. I was charged with common assault, and held overnight. The next morning …there was now a restraining order on me…(Paul)

This form of institutionalized sexism that results in a bias towards men that is very noticeable in the story the Ringo relates of his visits to the emergency department at the hospital.
She had held the shoe so that she could swing the shoe using the spiky heel to cut a gash into the left side of my face, from the outside corner of my eye down to my cheek. The result was a great deal of blood and the obvious need for stitches. My ex-wife insisted on going to the hospital with me on that occasion and even coming into the treatment room with me. Once in the treatment room, a physician and a nurse came in to treat the wound, and the physician asked me what had happened, joking that my wife must have been mad at me. Naturally, I didn’t want to explain what had actually happened, with my ex-wife standing right there, so I made up a story that I had tripped and hit my head on the corner of a vanity cupboard. The physician, nurse and my ex-wife then had a great laugh with the physician commenting how clumsy I must be, and then the nurse went on to make the ironic statement “oh well, even if your wife did do it, you must have deserved it. (Ringo)

If Ringo had been a woman in the above scenario in all likelihood the spouse would have been asked to leave the room and a domestic violence screening would have been done. A more vivid example of this institutionalized sexism is the blatant ignorance of Ringo's disclosure of the abuse to two professionals that are supposed to be trained in domestic violence protocol.
When I got into the treatment room, I was asked by the (female) physician how this had happened and I responded that my ex-wife had attacked me with a baseball bat. The physician and the nurse who was also attending both looked at each other and smiled and the physician then made the comment “gee, you must have really made her mad”. I responded that no, this wasn’t the first time she had attacked me in a similar fashion, at which point the physician commented “well I guess you should be glad she doesn’t have better aim”, and the nurse made the comment “it’s men who abuse women, you must have done something to cause her to act like that, you probably owe her an apology and a bouquet of flowers” at which point the nurse and the physician both laughed.

Unfortunately, there was no legal or social support available for a man in my position, attempting to gain sole custody because of an abusive ex-wife. I contacted many organizations, all of which were very sympathetic to my circumstances, but all of which were only mandated to serve and support women; they were able to provide legal, financial, emotional and housing support to women, but none to men. One of the lawyers for a women’s shelter made the comment to me that if I had been a woman they would have taken my case in a second and would have given me all kinds of support, but I was a man, so my daughter and I were on our own. (Ringo)

Shame and guilt

These men experienced shame and guilt over the course of enduring years of physical, psychological and emotional abuse by the hands of their wives. It was bad enough feeling emasculated in the home environment, but when they arrived at that point where they knew they desperately needed help, they only felt re-victimized and further emasculated by those to whom they turned for help.
In Paul’s case, as time went on the abuse got worse, and he slipped further into depression and thoughts of suicide. Fearing both for his life and that of his children he attempted once again seek help from the police. Initially they rejected his request for help leading him to further thoughts of shame, and making him feel more emasculated.
I knew there were some serious conflicts coming, and since I was suicidal, in a moment of lucidity, I resolved to get rid of my firearms. I took them to the local RCMP office and gave them to the officers, telling them that I was frankly scared of my wife, and I didn’t want the responsibility of the guns because I was scared someone might get hurt, and it would probably be me. The response was a basic disbelief and a question, “What do you want us to do with these, they are yours and not our problem.” (Paul)

Exerting control through shame and guilt is a theme common with most of the participants.

She said I should be enlisting in the Army that will make a man of me - it was a weapon she could use against me by suggesting that I ought to list in the Army, she was implying that I'm not a man and also implying that neither was my father. (Arlo)

Upon realizing that she accepted no responsibility for the marriage break down I felt that indeed it must be my fault. I thereafter sought psychiatric help for myself alone. Only after leaving the matrimonial home and extensive counseling, group therapy, anger management courses did I start to realize that I was a victim. (Jerry)

Emasculation and the shame of failing to live up to the masculine ideal, compounded by the institutionalized sexism that he was exposed to resulted in Ringo feeling an incredible amount of ownership for the failure of his marriage.
Because of my ex-wife’s behaviour, I had become alienated from most of my friends. …I felt very guilty about ending the marriage, feeling that I was tearing my daughter away from her mother and I compared my ex-wife’s illness to cancer, saying that if my ex-wife had cancer, I would not leave her. …it was a question of safety and protection for my daughter, and that I had done all that I could to help, that I needn’t sacrifice myself and my daughter in the process. Despite all of this, I still felt incredibly guilty and somehow responsible for ending the marriage. (Ringo)

Depression

For the men who took part in this study, recognizing that they were depressed as a result of the abused they went through it not occur until late in the relationship or after the relationships were over. University of Texas professor, Aaron Rochlen notes the differences between how men and women handle stress, and that men tend to not take advantage of mental health services. Rochlen asserts that traditional roles and the men adhere to them don’t recognize depression as such and may see it as stress rather than sadness or anxiety. Men are trained to deal with emotional matters with little input from others and are taught to be “strong.”
They feel they should take care of things themselves, and it’s quite difficult for them to accept that there’s something fundamentally wrong in their lives that they cannot fix. Men tend to come in seeking therapy only after matters have progressed much farther than is the case with many of my female clients. (Rochlen, 2005)

Sometimes the depression label initiated more abuse increasing in the incidence when the woman felt someone had suggested that she may play a role.
I visited my family doctor whom prescribed antidepressants to function during the day and sleeping pills to rest at night. I managed to get her to accompany me to a couple of different marriage counseling sessions. After a few sessions she refused to go any more stating that “why should I go to counseling, there’s nothing wrong with me!” (Jerry)

In Arlo’s case, the recognition that the abuse caused depression did not occur until he was well into adulthood. The full realization did not hit home until the aforementioned visit home see his mother.
I knew my father was himself depressed, in our teens my sister and I were intensely depressed as a result of the abuse - my sister committed suicide - I related to that in particular as I spent much of my time going through those years thinking about trying to do likewise. (Arlo)

Elvis spent a number of years exploring the effects of the abuse he suffered.

I have been WRONGLY labeled with a personality disorder and rightfully
with depression. (Elvis)

Two of the men are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
…spring of 1999 I was diagnosed with delayed onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was indicated that a number of factors contributed to this diagnosis, including: the verbal, emotional and physical attacks on me by my ex-wife; the verbal, emotional and physical attacks on my daughter by my ex-wife; the mild heart attack due to stress; my ex-wife’s constant threats to remove my daughter from the country; the divorce itself; the lengthy legal battle; work related stress; financial stress associated with bankruptcy. (Ringo)

Eventually I found a proper doctor who identified my real problem as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that I was an abused man, got me into some good therapy and some low dosage antidepressants. (Paul)

Ringo's daughter required a great deal of counseling to overcome the abuse she suffered by the hand of her mother.
…my daughter required counseling as a result of my ex-wife’s abusive behaviour towards her. Beginning in the spring of 1998, and continuing for the next two and a half years, my daughter was seen by a Child Psychiatrist at the hospital on a weekly basis to help her cope with her fear of her mother and her fear of women she didn’t already know who were approximately the same age as her mother. (Ringo)

Wives Disorders
To explore the idea that surfaced in the literature review, that some women who abuse their male partners suffer from or have been labeled with a psychiatric disorder, the questionnaire asked whether the participant’s wife had ever been labeled with a disorder of any kind (i.e. antisocial disorder, psychosis, depression). Five men responded to the question, two of them identified their wives as having a disorder. Elvis’s and Arlo’s wives were not diagnosed as having a disorder.
I was not supposed to know, but Borderline Personality Disorder. (Buddy)
…my ex-wife was diagnosed as being bipolar (hyper manic only, not depressive) and as having a personality disorder. My ex-wife never accepted this diagnosis, and insisted it was post-partum depression. (Ringo)

As far as I know the wife has not to this date been diagnosed with a disorder. I do know from experience that she uses her anger and aggression to manipulate situations to her advantage through intimidation. I have seen it used on lawyers and mediators during our legal discussions. (Jerry)

Violence Toward Others
To explore the personal history of violence in the lives of the women involved, the questionnaire asked if the wife/partner was ever violent toward others. Arlo was not aware of his mother having any history of violence toward others, and Buddy gave a brief “yes” in answer to the question. Ringo’s wife had assaulted a younger sister numerous times and Elvis’ spouse’s violence toward others was in her history as well as coexisted with her violence toward him.
At the time when my ex-wife was first hospitalized, I discovered a history of aggressiveness and violence extending back to when my ex-wife was a teenager. (Ringo)

Alice as a child in Saskatoon, killed her pet cat. The first story she
sent me was called "The Day I Killed My Mother". In Jasper I witnessed
her extort money from another person she had loaned money to. She was
violent towards the wife of a boyfriend in Swift Current. (Elvis)

Paul’s wife’s violence toward others was concurrent with her violence toward him: “I was terminated from a job because of an incident at a company BBQ that my wife assaulted the boss’s pregnant daughter.” (Paul)
 Chapter Five

Conclusion
The Narratives
The data collected from the participants ranges from the bare-bones essentials to highly detailed descriptive narrative. Clarifying follow-up of the men's stories was not done since it was felt that it would perhaps be leading the direction of the research. By working only with the data received from the open-ended questions on the questionnaire, perhaps a more accurate representation of their voices would be heard. After all it was their stories I wanted to tell.
The qualitative narratives of men who experienced violence at the hand of their female partner in this study have highlighted the experiences of these survivors. They were never intended to promote the idea of the “battered man.” However, when one looks at the criteria put forth by Dobash, Dobash, Wilson, & Daly (1992), the women in this study exhibited motives of control, use of multiple acts of violence on their partner in the relationship, and the physical and psychological consequences of the violence to the men were quite significant. Presented was exactly what Dobash, Dobash, Wilson, & Daly (1992) claimed was missing from the many studies they explored in their rebuttal to the idea that women can be equally as violent as men.
Institutionalized Sexism
The narrative stories in this paper are similar in many ways to other qualitative research that was explored in the literature review by other authors (Migliaccio 2002, Cook 1997, George 2003, Hines, Brown and Dunning to be published in 2007 and Lehane 2005). However, as mentioned before there was an underlying theme of male bias perhaps caused by the gender specific paradigm in the area of domestic violence. The impact of this institutionalized sexism on the men seeking help was devastating, at the very least the men where made to feel ashamed and embarrassed.
Some men suffered consequences far worse; men were arrested and jailed because of false allegations resulting in serious re-victimization and as an added some men were kept from the children, lost their family home, their employment, and suffered enormous economical consequences. It would seem that the current paradigms on domestic violence promote a bias in the systems of society designed to protect the vulnerable.
In absence of a social structure like the feminist paradigm that explains men's violence towards women, the abused men who have told their stories in this paper are faced with trying to explain that what happened to them: the choices being limited to a pathological disorder affecting their wife or as a result of their own failure or shortcomings. The resulting outcome from such a dilemma for the men in this paper has often been depression, and in two cases post-traumatic stress disorder. While there is no definitive link between the abuse they suffered and the identified depression, it would seem to be a fairly strong correlation.
When the participants approached various service agencies for assistance, it proved to be unsuccessful. Agencies who’s mandates are to serve the member of the community are failing to provide adequate and complete service to all members of their population. Misson statements that avow to not discriminate on the basis of age, race, creed, sex orientation, or gender are failing almost half of the population. The domestic violence paradigm is gender specific and the male victim is left to his own facilities to deal with it.
Questions
A question that arose during this research asked if all violence isn’t really subjective. That statement alone could be the subject of subsequent research. Violence in any shape or form is subjective to its victim; much of the literature in the area of intimate partner violence debates this subjectivity. I think it is clear from the stories in this paper that these men suffered a great deal at the hands of their intimate partner's – the severity is unquestionable - there is nothing subjective about it.
A recurring thought during this research was that it seems as though the macrocosm of society and the microcosm of the family may in fact been “training” women to be violent. A number of times the phrase “she kicked me in the testicles” was mentioned. While reading their stories I reflected on conversations that I heard amongst the matriarchs in my family - my aunts and my mother talking to their daughters. The phrase was used as an instruction of how to defend oneself if necessary. Women are often taught when they are younger that the appropriate response to a man who gets “fresh” is to slap him in the face. My own wife was instructed by her father that should a boy behave in an inappropriate way, she need simply to “knee him in the you-know-what.” It would be prudent, if such a hypothesis is proven to be true, to encourage all members of society to approach every situation in non-violent, non-physical ways.
It was the goal of this PRP to allow some of those men who have experienced violence at the hands of their wives to tell their story in their own words. Having listened to their experience through their eloquent narrative I would hope that the reader has obtained a new perspective of their experience. Because of my own social location their story has affected me in many ways; it was a great struggle to maintain my role as a facilitator of their experience. I hope what is on these pages is a true reflection of what these men experienced.
 Epilogue
Updates
After having shared much of the men's experience, it was felt that the reader should be left with an update of their current status.
Arlo: currently advocates on behalf of those marginalized by the current domestic violence paradigms.
Ringo: has full custody of his daughter; his wife has visitation access to his daughter. She still does not pay any child support. He is not involved in any sort of advocacy or support group's for abused men.
Buddy: continues to survive, working, and learning to deal with his experience.
Paul: is now “happily” married to a woman who is “kind and loving;” he now has his son living with them. He continues occasional counseling, and his battle with MEP.
Jerry: continues to live in a one-bedroom apartment, struggling to meet what he feels are unfair amounts child support payments while paying all the debts incurred by his ex-wife during the marriage. He continues to struggle to get consistent access to his children.
Elvis: who is now on a disability pension continues to struggle in the courts to gain access to his children.
The men in this study live in North America: five are in Canada and one in a nearby state. Five where men who had made contact with one of the three services for abused men cited earlier in this paper. Consequently, they were perhaps more willing to share their stories of their struggle. However, it should be noted that the most detailed comprehensive questionnaire was received from the one man who had no contact with any of these advocacy groups.

Recommendations for Social Work
During the literature review, it was very difficult to find much in the way of qualitative research in which in the focus was on male victims of domestic violence. I had begun my search in the university library. This search produced some articles that entered the debate around egalitarian views of domestic violence, and a few that promoted the cause of male victims. In the book section among the myriad of books about female victims of domestic violence and their male perpetrators I found but one book that dealt with male victims. It is obvious that there needs to be far more gender neutral information available in the area of domestic violence: a more balanced presentation of who the victims are. More researchers need to study the phenomena of male victims; however, there is no way of telling if this lack of research was the result of the bias perpetuated by the focus on the current paradigms of domestic violence.
In a university at bachelor and master level courses need to be offered that explore domestic violence from a gender neutral prospective. In my course load this past year I selected an elective titled “violence in families.” It was my expectation that it would be about a gender neutral prospective on family violence. The course however was primary focused on the characteristics of female victims and male perpetrators. We had many lively discussions in class on the bias against male victims - the professor agreed that there needs be more information disseminated in the classroom about male victims.
Among feminists, it appears that there are two stronger factions: those who struggle for justice and equality for all (equity feminists) and those who are more focused on the wrongs committed by our patriarchal society (gender feminists). Gender feminists may have a difficult time acknowledging that men can be mistreated by women. It is my recommendation that schools of social work - many of whom by their very nature of feminist driven - explore the potential roadblocks that gender feminism can place in the way of a truly equitable curriculum.
Paradigms & Professionals
I had many opportunities during the course of this research to discuss the subject with various social workers and other colleagues who provide counseling services to those in need in our society. Many of these people where firmly entrenched within the current paradigms of domestic violence. We had many discussions around egalitarian views of this issue, and perhaps these discussions have given them some insights that will better facilitate their ability to help all victims of domestic violence.
One of those with whom I had the discussions paid me a small tribute; she was also a student who was writing her major paper on domestic violence. The perspective of her paper was that of female victims. After our many discussions she handed me at coin, saying “this coin represents what I learned from you, it has two sides, heads and tails, you have taught me that there are two sides to every story.” She went on to explain see it often taken a one-sided view of domestic violence and that now she was far more open to the idea that men can be victims too. Social workers must always be aware that relying too heavily on a single paradigm in dealing with any issue with our clients may not be most beneficial to them. In our practice we often use multiple archetypes in order to affect the best course of intervention; it is this eclecticism that differentiates us as social workers from others who provide counseling services.
In the area of domestic violence, many of us practice from a single perspective. This is an approach derived from the efforts of gender feminism and one that has been shown to promote a form of sexism. It is not to being suggested that the current paradigm on domestic violence should be scrapped. What I am suggesting is that we apply our eclecticism and incorporate the multiple intersectionalities necessary to make it an equitable one.
In my own practice, my knowledge base of different cultures is expanding and changing almost daily. I have found that as I interact with people from many different nationalities that the simple categories of race and ethnicity that we of white privilege have formed in our minds are not applicable. Similarly, the simple categories we have for gender and sexual orientation must be able to expand with the growing knowledge and ever-changing diversity in our society today. We as social workers have to be readily available to incorporate new realities and experiences to our practices.
The expanding knowledge base around the issue of domestic violence is one that requires us to tread carefully through the multiple intersectionalities that impact on the lives of these individuals while juggling the paramount issue of safety. By exploring new information we can attend to those who have been marginalized by the current paradigm, and set up a practice principle that that pertains to the lived experiences of all of victims of domestic violence. We must be aware that domestic violence victims can be male or female, young or old